How Outlander Revived My Marriage

Yes, Outlander the TV series.

Revived my (Christian, commited, monogamous, first and only) marriage.

If you’re not familiar with the book series or STARZ show, please know that neither are safe for work or children, and this post may not be entirely PG either.

how outlander revived my marriage

Let’s start from a place of clear understanding:

My marriage has never been, per say, “in danger.”  I don’t have “problems” that really need “saving.”  (Hence why I chose the word “revived” not “saved.”)  My husband is wonderful.  We’ve built quite a life for ourselves out of nothing but tenacity and elbow grease.  He’s a model father.  I have no complaints.

What I did have was complacency.

Now, Outlander is quite the spectacle, as TV shows go.  Being that it’s made for cable, it can get away with far more risque material than a network TV series could.  I actually don’t know what it’s technically rated, but it’s definitely racy, scandalous, graphically violent, and sexual in nature.  There is nudity – quite a  bit of it.  There are intimate scenes in nearly every episode.  There is rape, and murder, and foul language, and all sorts of things that I wouldn’t guess would be beneficial to any marriage, and certainly not to a Christian one.  I feel like saying “Outlander revived my marriage” sounds outrageous, like those who claim viewing pornography enhances their marriage (it doesn’t.)

But hear me out.

What struck me about this show, hooked me, and kept me (binge) watching through all 3 available seasons, was the marriage of the two main characters.  Yes, they are very physically attractive people, and yes the drama of the plot sucks you in.  But what captured me right from the get-go was the fact that their relationship is, foremost, a marriage.  All of those sensual scenes take place within the context of marriage.  And their fictional marriage is actually built on an extreme commitment, rarely found in stories (and probably even in real life.)

Of course it’s sensationalized. No real couple would face even half of the perils these two face, and in Western society it’s highly doubtful that a marriage would be agreed to under the circumstances theirs was.  I’m not crazy.

But let me tell you, as the parents of four children, in our 8th year of marriage, there was a chasm of possibilities between where we were and where Jamie and Claire were.

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I wouldn’t choose “bored” to describe how I felt about my marriage.  My husband is, in all honesty, the funniest and most interesting person I know.  I would gladly spend all day every day just talking to this guy about any random topic that presented itself.

Perhaps ” too comfortable” could begin to label it.  So comfortable that I no longer felt any pressure to prove my commitment, display particular physical affection, or act on my job as life partner to my husband.

As I watched the (extremely dramatic) marriage of Jamie and Claire play out on the screen, I was reminded to  do all of these things.  I was reminded that part of what makes the beginning of a marriage exciting and wonderful is the intentional behavior of the spouses.  That adversity (which I don’t actually have right now) can drive people together because it forces them to go to bat for each other, and fight for their spouse (though usually not with actual weapons.)  That a person needs to dig deep to support their spouse, needs to display outwardly the unconditional commitment they chose to pledge that person.

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The series is so well-acted and beautifully filmed that it is extremely poignant.  It stuck with me, every episode of it, and quickly wormed its way into my subconscious and began affecting my behavior.  Often, media affecting behavior is a bad thing, but in this case it caused me to be a better wife.

As I watched Jamie’s character and read many envious real-life women lament the lack of “real gentleman” in their husbands, I realized I have a Jamie.  I certainly hope my husband never finds himself leading a rebel army, tortured in prison, shipwrecked, etc, but he certainly possesses the same unwavering commitment to me and treasures me the way Jamie does Claire.  He’s tried to tell me as much before, and I always treated it as romantic nothings.  Watching a fictional character play out these qualities in an arranged marriage apparently drove it home for me.

And I watched what sorts of things could be overcome, forgiven, smoothed over, and healed by a wife.  How a strong wife can really be half of a dynamic team, without emasculating the husband.  How allowing him to revere her (rather than cutting herself down) can strengthen the marriage and validate him.  How many different levels of intimacy can be present in a healthy marriage, how they could possibly play out in day-to-day settings, how integral sex really is to a marriage.

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Could I have figured this out some other way?  Sure!  Are these all facts I have read and heard before?  Yes.  Did I have head knowledge of all of this and still stubbornly refuse to use it?  You bet.

Something about my consumption of this series got my attention in the way books, experts, and even my own husband have never gotten my attention before.  And in the weeks since I watched it, I’ve been a much better partner in so many ways, and have been actively enjoying my marriage like never before.  In a fair number of ways, our relationship is the best it’s ever been (leaving up to your imagination what ways those are!)

And none of this is coming from a lustful place.  None of it is imagining I’m with someone else, or pretending my life includes people or situations it does not. These kinds of fantasies can sometimes give a false notion of marital improvement, but actually are harmful long term.  It is entirely recognizing my own amazing husband and my own shortcomings within the fiction.

What’s something unexpected that has improved your marriage?

Book Review : Parenting with Love and Logic

Where to begin with this book – simply, I love it.

I’ve read Love and Logic: The Toddler Years earlier this year, and I liked that and have used the methods I learned with my very stubborn 3-year-old.  But since adding a 13-year-old to our family, I felt that I needed to read the method as it pertained to older children.

Book Review: Parenting with Love and Logic

Firstly, about the format of this book.  The first half of the book explains the how and why of the Love & Logic method, while the second half is what the authors call “pearls.”  Essentially, two-page snippets arranged alphabetically by topic, covering everything from allowances to whining.

I have been convinced since before ever becoming a  parent that I would be neither a helicopter parent nor an authoritarian parent.  (Thanks to my years as a middle school teacher, I had the benefit of watching many parents try these methods, and end up with non-functional children.)  The Love & Logic approach stresses above all else that parents teach and allow their children to make their own decisions and their own mistakes.

This takes so much stress off of the parent, as I have continually reminded myself since finishing this book, “Problems they create for themselves are not your problems.”  For example, I provided guidance for my 13-year-old about what might be a good time to set his alarm for, and made sure he knew how to use said alarm.  I made certain he understood what time school starts and how many minutes it takes to walk there.  If he spends too long in the shower, too long packing his lunch, too long eating his breakfast, and ends up late to school, this is his problem.  It is not my problem.  He has not affected my life directly.  School will hand down a consequence because it affects school, and that will be that.

Likewise with running out of clean laundry (taught him how to do the laundry and gave him a choice of days the washer would always be available.)  And leaving his possessions where his little brothers can ruin them (provided with his own room that I keep the little boys out of.)  The authors surmise that children don’t care or worry about items and situations that they know their parents are worrying about already.

What a relief!
I can mentally check off dozens of situations and decisions each day that are not my problem.  It frees me up to teach, mentor, and bond with my teen instead of constantly nagging.

Let’s be real: the nagging never works, anyway.  He would forget things and neglect things whether or not I nagged, so I may as well minimize irritation for both of us and just not nag.

This approach (and all the books on the method) are especially helpful in that they provide a dialogue for speaking to your kids.  If a child is very negative, defensive, argumentative, shut down, etc. the books offer actual scripts of how a parent could respond calmly, and still leaving room for the child to make his/her own decisions and feel his/her feelings.

This parenting approach is also unique in that it lives hand in hand with the concept of parent self-care.  By lowering stress and helping our children take control of their own decisions and problems, we are taking care of ourselves.  It is self care to sometimes say “No” to a child’s request because you’re tired or want to do something else.  This parenting approach allows the whole family to be healthy, in contrast to many parenting theories and books that show parents the many ways they could be doing more and more and more to try and guarantee success for their children.  It actually equips parents to do LESS, but BETTER.

Available on Amazon (affiliate link)

10/10 Would recommend!

Photo Christmas Cards & Minimalism

These may seem like opposite ideas: buying and sending photo Christmas cards, and being a minimalist.

Hear me out

photo christmas cards and minimalism

When I first set about simplifying my life, researching minimalism, and KonMari-ing my home, I had a guiding principle: I would not do anything that was LESS convenient or MORE stressful in the name of minimalism.  I would follow simple living down any rabbit hole I desired, but not into making more work for myself.

And this is the kind of moderation I still practice.  I do not count my possessions, because frankly I don’t have time and that probably doesn’t matter in the end, anyway.  I don’t purge things just for the sake of purging them, if they’re still serving me.  I sometimes even buy things if it becomes apparent that they would be very useful and make my daily life easier and less stressful.

*gasp*

One of the things that remains in my life is photo Christmas cards.

Hear me out.

Yes, it costs some money to send these.  I try to spend about 30 cents a card (I have found the best prices every year through Walmart.) Add to that the nearly 50 cents of current postage, and it costs about 80 cents per card.  I order 60 cards (this number has increased in recent years) so I spend about 50 dollars per Christmas.

This may seem excessive, but I choose to do it this way because I detest writing out actual Christmas cards.  The first few years of our marriage I sent out handwritten Christmas cards (cutting the cost down to more like $25) but it took me a month to get it done, and I dreaded every card.  I’m terrible at small talk, and writing out a Christmas card is, to me, just more small talk.

Yes, it’s a little commercial… tooting one’s own horn… “typical American”… all things I try not to be in my personal life.  But this is the ONLY time of year we take a family photo, and the only photo of my children that I distribute.  So I do not indulge in photo sessions, prints, grandparent photos, etc.  I keep my Christmas greetings and my family photo distribution to one single activity.

This is also how I announce additions to our family.  My oldest has just joined us this year, and this card is the most formal notice anyone is going to get.  My middle two sons were born in November, so the yearly Christmas card replaced any kind of baby announcements.  Even though the next is due in May, I included “& baby” on the list of names so at least people have an idea it’s happening.  Next year’s card will be this child’s first distributed photo, even though he/she will be several months old.

 

In my life, photo Christmas cards are killing multiple birds with one stone, and easy for me to make and send.  They cut down on stress, on the number of times I feel obligated to print photos or send notice of family events.  It’s a tradition I intend to continue for the foreseeable future, even if it isn’t the most “minimalist” thing ever.