Personal Growth – Mostly Caffeinated

Postpartum Body Image

January 30, 2019February 18, 2019Juli

Body image is such a journey. Postpartum is such a journey.

It’s exhausting.

postpartum body image

I feel like I was given a serious lucky break when it comes to my postpartum body, in that I morphed gradually. After my first baby, I snapped back to my pre-pregnancy weight almost immediately, had very few stretch marks, and felt very much like myself.
After the second, there was some unusual thickness around the middle and a little different hair texture (my curls fell into moreso waves) but overall, still alright.

But this third baby… oh, daughter, what you hath wrought.

I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been.
There is some kind of lower-abdomen situation that cannot be disguised even by Spanx.
My skin seems to have taken a serious turn – vicious acne during and after pregnancy, texture problems, some sort of extreme dryness? and total lack of vitality or elasticity.
My hair fell out in clumps and has grown back in so much straighter. (I self-identify with my big, curly hair – this is a blow.)
Essentially, I look and feel like a mom of four and am fighting tooth and nail not to “let myself go.”

It’s not that I don’t care how I look anymore. It’s not that I’m no longer interesting in style. It’s not even that I’m too tired and pressed for time to look presentable.
It’s that everything I knew about my physical self is different. I spent decades of my life, as most women do, getting to know my body, my skin, my hair – its limitations, its beauty, the way to get it to look and feel its best. And all the sudden I’m starting all over.

I’m too old for this.

I should not be hitting another awkward middle school stage in my 30s.

I knew how to dress myself to my best advantage, how to style my hair, how to take care of my face as best I could. And I’ve gone back in time to a bathroom full of failed products, scraping my hair up in a ponytail because it “won’t behave,” throwing on baggy clothing and hoping for the best.

I know, deep down, that it doesn’t matter what I look like. That nothing about my value as a person or a mother has anything to do with my physical appearance. But it matters to ME.
Sometimes I think we (mothers? society? I don’t know who the “we” is) forget that something gets to matter JUST FOR THE MOTHER.
I’m preoccupied with trying to accept myself, AGAIN, when I thought I’d already gotten those issues out of the way in my early 20s. I don’t want to go back to my whole life before kids, I’d just like to feel in my skin the way I used to. Comfortable. Sassy. Take-me-or-leave-me. A little quirky and a little effortless and a little classy.

I don’t know where that woman is hiding, behind these eye bags and droopy flannels and stringy hair. I really want to find her. I forget sometimes that there are a good many people in my life who’ve NEVER MET HER. Who didn’t know me before children. I feel like they’re missing out. I’m missing out. My husband/ life partner/ best friend is missing out. I’m missing out.

Let me tuck my mom stomach into my high-waist-control-top leggings and do some yoga. Maybe there I’ll find a little bit of her.

How Outlander Revived My Marriage

December 30, 2017Juli

Yes, Outlander the TV series.

Revived my (Christian, commited, monogamous, first and only) marriage.

If you’re not familiar with the book series or STARZ show, please know that neither are safe for work or children, and this post may not be entirely PG either.

how outlander revived my marriage

Let’s start from a place of clear understanding:

My marriage has never been, per say, “in danger.” I don’t have “problems” that really need “saving.” (Hence why I chose the word “revived” not “saved.”) My husband is wonderful. We’ve built quite a life for ourselves out of nothing but tenacity and elbow grease. He’s a model father. I have no complaints.

What I did have was complacency.

Now, Outlander is quite the spectacle, as TV shows go. Being that it’s made for cable, it can get away with far more risque material than a network TV series could. I actually don’t know what it’s technically rated, but it’s definitely racy, scandalous, graphically violent, and sexual in nature. There is nudity – quite a bit of it. There are intimate scenes in nearly every episode. There is rape, and murder, and foul language, and all sorts of things that I wouldn’t guess would be beneficial to any marriage, and certainly not to a Christian one. I feel like saying “Outlander revived my marriage” sounds outrageous, like those who claim viewing pornography enhances their marriage (it doesn’t.)

But hear me out.

What struck me about this show, hooked me, and kept me (binge) watching through all 3 available seasons, was the marriage of the two main characters. Yes, they are very physically attractive people, and yes the drama of the plot sucks you in. But what captured me right from the get-go was the fact that their relationship is, foremost, a marriage. All of those sensual scenes take place within the context of marriage. And their fictional marriage is actually built on an extreme commitment, rarely found in stories (and probably even in real life.)

Of course it’s sensationalized. No real couple would face even half of the perils these two face, and in Western society it’s highly doubtful that a marriage would be agreed to under the circumstances theirs was. I’m not crazy.

But let me tell you, as the parents of four children, in our 8th year of marriage, there was a chasm of possibilities between where we were and where Jamie and Claire were.

————-

I wouldn’t choose “bored” to describe how I felt about my marriage. My husband is, in all honesty, the funniest and most interesting person I know. I would gladly spend all day every day just talking to this guy about any random topic that presented itself.

Perhaps ” too comfortable” could begin to label it. So comfortable that I no longer felt any pressure to prove my commitment, display particular physical affection, or act on my job as life partner to my husband.

As I watched the (extremely dramatic) marriage of Jamie and Claire play out on the screen, I was reminded to do all of these things. I was reminded that part of what makes the beginning of a marriage exciting and wonderful is the intentional behavior of the spouses. That adversity (which I don’t actually have right now) can drive people together because it forces them to go to bat for each other, and fight for their spouse (though usually not with actual weapons.) That a person needs to dig deep to support their spouse, needs to display outwardly the unconditional commitment they chose to pledge that person.

————-

The series is so well-acted and beautifully filmed that it is extremely poignant. It stuck with me, every episode of it, and quickly wormed its way into my subconscious and began affecting my behavior. Often, media affecting behavior is a bad thing, but in this case it caused me to be a better wife.

As I watched Jamie’s character and read many envious real-life women lament the lack of “real gentleman” in their husbands, I realized I have a Jamie. I certainly hope my husband never finds himself leading a rebel army, tortured in prison, shipwrecked, etc, but he certainly possesses the same unwavering commitment to me and treasures me the way Jamie does Claire. He’s tried to tell me as much before, and I always treated it as romantic nothings. Watching a fictional character play out these qualities in an arranged marriage apparently drove it home for me.

And I watched what sorts of things could be overcome, forgiven, smoothed over, and healed by a wife. How a strong wife can really be half of a dynamic team, without emasculating the husband. How allowing him to revere her (rather than cutting herself down) can strengthen the marriage and validate him. How many different levels of intimacy can be present in a healthy marriage, how they could possibly play out in day-to-day settings, how integral sex really is to a marriage.

————-

Could I have figured this out some other way? Sure! Are these all facts I have read and heard before? Yes. Did I have head knowledge of all of this and still stubbornly refuse to use it? You bet.

Something about my consumption of this series got my attention in the way books, experts, and even my own husband have never gotten my attention before. And in the weeks since I watched it, I’ve been a much better partner in so many ways, and have been actively enjoying my marriage like never before. In a fair number of ways, our relationship is the best it’s ever been (leaving up to your imagination what ways those are!)

And none of this is coming from a lustful place. None of it is imagining I’m with someone else, or pretending my life includes people or situations it does not. These kinds of fantasies can sometimes give a false notion of marital improvement, but actually are harmful long term. It is entirely recognizing my own amazing husband and my own shortcomings within the fiction.

What’s something unexpected that has improved your marriage?

“Real Clothes” – Dressing The Part

September 13, 2017September 19, 2017Juli

(Many thanks to Jennifer Scott at The Daily Connoisseur for being so articulate about the subject of “looking presentable always.”)

If you work outside the home, dressing well comes naturally because it is socially expected. If you’re a professional parent, wearing real clothes can get brushed aside because “no one’s going to see me.”

Except your family, y’know, the most important people in your life that you decided to dedicate your career to serving.

Just those people.

dressing the part what you wear matters sahm wardrobe

Why?

It’s a lot more motivating to get up off the couch and get something done if you’re dressed like something important is going on. Because your tasks are important – homemaking and child-rearing are of utmost importance. It’s surprising what a mental game our grooming can play. This is the same reason law firms have business dress requirements, and many schools have uniforms.

I feel that there is another parallel we can draw from the business world – “Dress for the job you want.” Now, we have chosen to be home, so this is the job we want. But what do we want FROM our job? To be taken seriously by our children, spouse, peers, community? To “have it all together?” To be tidy? These causes are all helped by DRESSING like someone who commands respect, has it together, is tidy – rather than someone who just roused themselves from slumber to put out proverbial fires.

Dressing presentably always also helps eliminate decision fatigue and the need to change throughout the day. My pajamas are presentable, so it’s okay if my teenager needs something after I’m ready for bed. My clothes I choose in the morning are nice enough to wear to run errands, to school events, even to dinner out at the last minute. (It actually occurred a few weeks ago where we were out for a family walk, and a friend drove by in her car and invited us to dinner in half an hour. Threw a diaper on the youngest, and out we went – no need to “spruce up.”) I only need to choose one outfit each day, and I don’t have to take anything into account other than the temperature.

How?

Dressing the part becomes much easier if you simplify your wardrobe. This is where capsule wardrobes come in. (This topic has been done lots of justice by lots of other bloggers, so I’m not rehashing the entire thing.) But pay attention to what’s in your mom capsule – PAJAMAS ARE NOT CLOTHES. If you wouldn’t wear them to the office, why are they in your work environment at home? My mom capsule wardrobe is lots of washable, comfortable fabrics, but consists of dresses or tunics and leggings. Personal preference – if you’re a pants girl, more power to you! (BUT REAL PANTS. NOT YOGA PANTS.)

Check the blogosphere, YouTube, and Pinterest for ideas about mom capsule wardrobes. Sit and think about what kinds of clothes you like best, and how those might become part of a “real clothes” wardrobe. (If you love yoga pants best, think about leggings and tunics. If you love raiding your husband’s closet, think dolman sleeves or trapeze tops and dresses.)

You may need a serious declutter of your closet for any of this to be plausible. I suggest the Kon Mari method (as found in the book The Lifechanging Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo) so that you can purge out all the ratty, sloppy clothes and keep only things that work for you and are lovely.

FAQs

“Don’t you get messy?” Why yes, yes I do. Then I wash my clothes. If you’re talking about serious mess, I do wear aprons while cooking. If I’m bleaching or painting, I have a coverall (like a mechanic would have) that I put on over my clothes.

“But don’t you want to be comfortable?” Of course. I don’t buy things I find uncomfortable! Comfort is about cut and fabric, not item of clothing.

“Why bother? Nobody sees you all day.” My children (who learn best by example) and my spouse see me.
And let me tell you, random people show up at my door. Once I was down with a back injury and my mother-in-law offered to come help around the house. She (surprise!) brought a friend of hers that I had never met in my life. Thank goodness I was wearing real clothes! It was embarrassing enough that a woman I’d just met was scrubbing my pots and pans.
Another time my best friend dropped her children off with no notice, because of a medical emergency. Glad I had gotten dressed that day.
And beyond folks ringing my door bell, I never have to change or think twice about running to the store, the post office, my kid’s school, etc. Always prepared. I don’t even usually have to change for social events in the evening.

The outfit shots incorporated into the image for this post are authentic. I never stage an outfit for my OOTD pictures on Instagram, obviously, since I’m wearing slippers in many of them! That’s what I actually wear, to all the regular events of my life. (Sometimes I wear something fancier to church, but that’s about it!)

2017 Goals / Resolutions : A Midyear Review

July 16, 2017Juli

This is the first year I really sat down and made “New Year’s Resolutions” – really just goals – and wrote them down and am following up on them.

I’ve always had goals. My style of making goals has always been a little daydream-esque – I have an idea of how I want my life to be, a mental image if you will, and I try to chase it. For example, I picture myself having coffee on my patio every morning as the sun comes up. I picture myself reading every day. I can imagine the mountain of craft projects I could complete. In my mind, I’m a pie-baking, barefoot, laundry-hanging stay-at-home-mom with a bunch of children running loose in the backyard. And throughout the year I’ll think about those daydreams, that “ideal life” I have so firmly in my (very visual, introverted, ADD) mind.

But let’s be real: that’s never actually gotten real results. I’m too scatterbrained for that to work, and I have too many dreams and ambitions. Already at 30, I’m 100% sure that I have too many wonderful daydreams to ever accomplish them all.

So this year, inspired by some fellow momma bloggers and vloggers, I actually sat down for an afternoon and wrote down some goals and resolutions. I pared down the 234098256 ideas running around in my brain and tried to be reasonable about what I could accomplish. I know it’s really important for goals to be tangible, time sensitive, and specifice, so I made a particular point to try to mold my zany mental images that way.

I came up with goals in each area of my life – homemaking, family, self-growth, blogging, and YouTube.

In each category, I tried to make no more than 4 or 5 goals. That totals out to a lot, but such is my life!

Overall, ******** spoiler alert ********* I think I’m doing okay. About half successful.

A Positive Spin: Being a Superhero

July 2, 2017Juli

Please read the following quotes with a snarky, irritated tone of voice.

mom tossing child - they're not lazy, you're just a superhero

“I can’t exactly do this by myself!”

This was my husband, trying to take a messy bib off a potty-training toddler who was running away down the hallway.

Are you kidding? It’s one kid, and a bib. Seriously.

This was my husband giving two little boys a bath.

Then why do you do extra-curriculars until long after dinner, and expect me to bathe both kids myself?

This was my husband trying to get both boys dressed for church on Sunday morning.

You realize I do this every single morning every week while you’re working, right?

This was my husband trying to make waffles with both boys in the kitchen.

How do you think you have dinner to eat every day, Mister?

“I’m tired, y’know?”

Same husband, explaining why he’s watching TV instead of helping me clean up to host a party of his coworkers.

TV makes you less tired? How handy.

Falling asleep reading the boys their bedtime stories, which inevitably makes them screech and whine that he’s not “reading it nice.”

Not an excuse to poop out on your kids!

Sending me to do the grocery shopping by myself at 9 pm.

I am so tired I could fall down. What gives you the right?!

These “cries of desperation” make me so ANGRY. They reek of self-centeredness, weakness, lame excuses. It feels like I carry the brunt of the parenting, and when my husband needs to do one minor task he can’t handle it. I mother the boys solo for 10-12 hours per day, but still need to help him do it for 2 more hours in the evenings?! As though a yogurt-covered bib is the most difficult possible scenario with two boys under 4.

Then, my perspective shifted dramatically. (Do you ever feel like the Lord just smacks you upside the head with an attitude adjustment? That’s what happened.)

I was in the middle of a mighty internal struggle, trying to hold back my biting words (the comments in italics.) For a blunt, opinionated woman like myself, this struggle is a lot like plugging holes in a dam with my fingers. I usually fail. But this time, I had a revelation.

My husband floundering in these mundane tasks doesn’t mean he is being wimpy or trying to pass off his parenting onto me. It actually means I’m a superhero.

That I possess an important set of skills, a talent at putting out proverbial fires, can juggle an inordinate amount of crises at once. That my super-intelligent, creative, patient, 2nd-grade-teacher husband is flattened by fatigue and mess and multiple toddlers, and I am not.

The fact that I can do this full-time parenting gig all day every day and still stay awake through storytime, not get yogurt on the carpet, remember the groceries late at night, throw parties, and have neatly dressed little boys is a testament to my strengths, not his weaknesses.

We stay-at-home moms and dads, we professional parents, are superheros. We can accomplish what many others cannot. We’ve been called to have an enormous mental fortitude, determination, and patience, and continuously pour from what we have been given into others.

I’m really glad my attitude has shifted about this BEFORE we add more little humans to this family

So the next time you hear your partner say, “I can’t do this by myself!” or “Could you just help me?!” or “I’m too tired!” I suggest choosing to hear “You’re a superhero!” instead.

Let Go of Mom Guilt: Learn About Your Personality Type with Personality Hacker

June 5, 2017June 5, 2017Juli

Personality type quizzes and profiles have always missed the mark, for me.

Until this one. (Affiliate links, but content is free excluding final link.)

sitting woman silhouette - Text: Let Go of Mom Guilt Learn About Your Personality Type

In a nutshell, your “personality type” is an outline of your dominant personal qualities, the way you tend to best think, feel, work, and interact with others. The most esteemed version of this is probably the Myers-Briggs system – the one that assigns you four letters like INSF or ENTP, etc. For more information on that, check here.

I stumbled upon a company called Personality Hacker and took their free personality test. The results of this, the thorough explanation of personality types and ways to work with your personality to enhance your daily life, were life-changing.

Not exaggerating.

I’ve found out, from these resources, that I’m an INTP. This type is blunt and honest, sometimes considered rude, and very intellectual (sometimes to a fault – spending a lot of time inside their own head musing over what they’ve learned and are working on.) You can read more about INTPs here.

How on earth does this help with mom guilt?

Let me transcribe some daily thoughts of a real mom. (Myself.)

“Should I call ______ to get together for a playdate? I know she wanted to, but I really don’t feel like socializing.”

“_______ gave me a strange look while we were talking at the library. Was I rude? I was trying to be helpful. How can I get people to realize I’m just being helpful?!”

“I just sat down to do paperwork for an hour… how is there no paperwork done? I feel so guilty and unproductive.”

These are forms of mom guilt. Trying to fit in socially with other moms and failing, trying to nurture and reach out but feeling misunderstood, struggling with being “productive enough” or doing “real work” enough hours out of the day.

The wealth of information that Personality Hacker’s website provided me about my personality type showed me that most of these kinds of struggles are directly flowing from my personality type. It has given me license to stop fighting my daydreams, my idealism, my introversion, and my bluntness. To stop feeling guilty about how my time is spent, where my mind wanders, and policing every syllable that comes out of my mouth.

The old me was completely convinced that these situations were results of not trying hard enough. Failing to be self-disciplined. Being a mean person. Not being “mom-like” enough. Being disorganized.

All of my life, I have been told that if I just tried harder, I could be more organized, productive, tactful, focused, social, patient, etc. That I could have more friends, more time, more contentment if only I did things “the way everybody else does.” And I believed this.

But an actually accurate personality typing has shown me a different truth. The way I am, the kind of mom and woman and friend I am, is a personality type. Others like me exist. I’m not “doing it wrong,” I’m just doing it my own way. I don’t actually need to try harder, socialize more, change the way I truly am inside. It’s fine to INTP all over the place. There are lots of great positives to this personality type, and so many free resources at Personality Hacker to help me enhance what I’d like to enhance.

What’s the catch?

No catch! While these are affiliate links, the resources I have linked until now are all free. I really used all of these pages myself, to learn more about my personality type and how it relates to others. I followed links throughout the website to additional (free) content. I’ve even joined a Facebook Group associated with Personality Hacker to participate in educated discussions about navigating the world as our true personality types.

I found Personality Hacker all on my own, used it for my own purposes, and felt compelled to share in this blog post. Only after I began writing it did I reach out to Personality Hacker to let them know I was doing a write-up, and they surprised me with an affiliate program. (That’s how we do here on Mostly Caffeinated – we’re never ever ever going to clickbait you, sell you stuff, or write just for affiliate purposes!)

Check out the free resources. Learn about yourself, and how your version of motherhood / adulthood is perfectly valid. It’s very freeing!

If you find you want to learn more, dive deeper, etc. there are paid programs you can join (webinars, downloadable resources, etc.) including some on family and marriage.

What’s your personality type? How does it play out in your home life for good? What would you like to work on?

Going Back to Work (for two days)

May 1, 2017April 28, 2017Juli

Recently, I “went back to work” by substitute teaching for two days.

It was wonderful, for so many reasons.

walking picture with coffee cup and bag. Text: Going Back to Work

I knew, with very strong intuition and conviction, that I needed to stop teaching full-time and stay home with my boys. It was such clear wisdom from God, honestly, that I didn’t waver about my decision.

I also LOVED teaching. Sure, my years of professional teaching were far from easy. There were many challenges in regards to time, patience, personal and professional drama… the list goes on. But the actual act of teaching – the helping, tutoring, guiding of young people, the crafting of lessons and experiences, the presenting of information – is part of me. Like a limb.

Going back to work for two days did not change these two truths, but it was so important to my mental health.

It proved to me that I am not unhappy being a stay-at-home / professional parent. Not once during my hours working or my evenings at home did I think to myself: “Why did I leave teaching?!” “Ugh! I can’t believe I have to stay home again on Saturday.” “I wish I could do this every day.” “I made a horrible mistake.”
It proved that I do want to go back to work when my children reach school age. I thoroughly enjoyed myself! The energy I got from being in a school, with a faculty, around children, running a classroom… it was like an I.V. Refreshing, stimulating, filled me up, in a way.
It reassured me that I did not stop working out of a lack of skill, true burnout, or anything of that sort. Working felt like I’d never stopped. (I would say “like riding a bicycle,” but honestly I’m terrible at riding bicycles.) This mini work experience was substitute teaching, so I was working with someone else’s routines, content, and materials. I was also down with a virus (interrupted sleep, completely lost my voice between Day 1 and Day 2). But still, I didn’t find the teaching difficult. Teaching is tiring, significant mental work, and requires a lot of skill, but I wasn’t experiencing stress or struggle.

In short, I’m really glad I took this little assignment. Sometimes certain opportunities or experiences can reassure us by confirming that we’re on the right path. Sort of gives a renewed energy by sparing you from any lingering uncertainty.

Have you dabbled in working outside the home since becoming a full-time parent? Or had a different experience that has given you important feedback about your decision? Feel free to tell your story in the comments!